Desolation Angels, Chapter 44

WHAT DID I LEARN ON GWADDAWACKAMBLACK? I learned that I hate myself because by myself I am only myself and not even that and how monotonous it is to be monostonos--ponos--purt--pi tariant--hor por por--I learned to disappreciate things themselves and hanshan man mad me mop I don't want it--I learned learn learned no learning nothing--A I K--I go mad one afternoon thinking like this, only one week to go and I don't know what to do with myself, five straight days of heavy rain and cold, I want to come down RIGHT AWAY because the smell of onions on my hand as I bring blueberries to my lips on the mountainside suddenly reminds me of the smell of hamburgers and raw onions and coffee and dishwater in lunchcarts of the World to which I want to return at once, sitting at a stool with a hamburger, light a butt with coffee, let there be rain on redbrick walls and I got a place to go and poems to write about hearts not just rocks--Desolation Adventure finds me finding at the bottoms of myself abysmal nothingness worse than that no illusion even--my mind's in rags--